august 8, 2008 http://www.c-spanarchives.org/library/index.php?main_page=product_video_info&products_id=196800-1&showVid=true may 12, 2008 ![]() youngstown vindicator article apr 14, 2008 ![]() http://money.cnn.com/2008/04/08/real_estate/radical_city_plan/index.htm?cnn=yes dec 25, 2007 why did i find it a surprise when i realized that the most powerful thing ive seen in the universe is directly related to the hardest job known to man? the simplest realizations are the most beautiful and most complex sometimes. and thats genius. being able to explain complex things in simple terms is genius. i got off track, merry christmas. realizing that santa claus has nothing to with the birth of the savior was another simple realization i had a couple days ago. im sure ive thought about this before and even argued it. but it hit me really hard a couple days ago when i thought santa claus is blasphemy and idol worship. santa claus is atheistic in nature. a the most powerful and strongest thing ive seen in this universe is a mother's love. the hardest job or undertaking i know of is parenting by far. i believe a mother's love for her offspring to be instinctive as ive seen it change the animal. before we had consciousness something very strong motivated us to undertake the burden and forgo the risk to ourselves to raise offspring. imagine an animal in the wild raising offspring when it still has natural predators. thats a dangerous heavy burden. something strong was needed to motivate an animal in its greatest task in life, so evolved mother's love. possibly from that came emotion, communication, speech, consciousness, etc dec 4, 2007 i forgot what i was gonna say, i swear. i think it was good too. oh yeah i remember. i havent watched any of my youtuibe videos in about 3
weeks. not a single one. consciousness is still the best by far. im gaining
weight maybe like 20lbs even dec 3, 2007 i am depressed. i came here to say that. i thought i probably had already said it here and still want to say it again. i am depressed. not "im gonna kill myself" depressed, but physically "i dont want to do nothing depressed." its good in some ways and i know it is for a purpose. im trying to create and write in this condition but truly dont have the will. went to SF last weekend and had a gooooood time. so the highs are still attainable in very good ways. im just flat right now. no fears, no tensions, no apprehensions. all is good. god must be bored. if he is omnipotent and knows everything and has been in existence forever and is eternal he must be bored as fuck. unless he can see the many universes growing and developing, but even then- if he knows everything and what is going to happen to everything that is no fun. eternity like that is like a prison sentence. the christian promised heaven is not something human beings are designed to handle. we just aint happy being happy. we need more. ignorance may not be bliss but it makes life exciting. there is a difference between acting cool and being cool. being cool has its downside too. being cool about everything where nothing excites you is boring. being cool comes from experience. the "i been here before." life could be a "i been here before" at some point. and then you are cool about everything and you're not acting cool. bored in paradise. once you get it all figured out, it becomes another whole game. no matter what it is. imagine life all figured out where you realize and are comfortable with all the "i dont knows." being content with the unknown in combination with having a large part of it figured out to where you are completely comfortable with the limits of your knowledge. and you find there is no reason to fear anything. even death. when you loose your fear of death. maybe thats it. truly loosing your fear of dying. not that you want to engage, embrace or antagonize death in any way. with understanding all fear is gone. combine that with life experience and gained knowledge to push you closer to mysticisms. if there isnt something bigger, we can or will evolve to create it or be it. humans will overcome death in more tangible ways than memory and instinct. if there arent more direct connections between consciousness' we will evolve them. if there are "networks" or mediums in place already where an individuals conscious information energy can interact with others or a whole. we will find it or evolve them. distance is my 2nd best friend, i'm my first. i love us more than i love you. nov 6, 2007 i have everything, therefore i have nothing. human limitations. im sober, but high off a contentment maybe humans are not designed to handle. we need struggle or a function. there is no happiness with eternal life. death makes life rewarding. and not the going to heaven death, but death as in the acknowledgement that one day your life will end. if it gets too easy it really is no good anymore, the way humans are built. probably why dominant species die out. boredom. complacency. humans are not the end all or reason for life. we are just one of many positions of life. consciousness is the greatest thing in this physical universe. maybe its the change of season. my somber laziness in it all. it wasn't all the weed's fault. the smoking was just a part of it. its much bigger than the weed. it going anywhere and everywhere with such confidence and been here before. a no tension here we go again. more and more freedom to do what i want and when. singing and talking to myself loudly and proudly in public and enjoying it more than if i was with someone i was in love with. in love with someone else may not even be possible for me anymore. i dont see how anybody or anything can be better than what i got right now. i am by far my best freind. me and my mission. distance is my second best friend. the distance that i keep humans from me keeps it right. most socialized humans allow and expect people to be too close to them. its ok for friends and family to cross over inside your personal boundaries. i cant have that anymore. im way too comfortable alone in my space. they say they feel sorry for me cause im like this. how i appreciate but am not strung out on personal relationships. i say im the happiest most complete person i know. i never get an argument when i make that statement, so i use it as my stopper. LOL. that made me laugh. i love coming here to write. i bet if i look back, i'll see that every year this time i come here in this mood and write this way. i do believe its seasonal as i so love summer and the sun. days are short. its dark at 6:30p. i cant imagine living thru an ohio winter. im sure i could get thru it, but the cold and the short days where the sun never comes out would definitely depress me. i see why drinking is popular back there. weed in winter almost seems like a waste unless your house is so hot you need to jobs to pay the heating bills. going outside to smoke and then coming back in the house is fun the first two or three times. but it gets old. the high just aint the same. weed and winter hibernation dont seem to mix. i can see going some serious places however locked up for days with good weed and the means to create. i bet this mood is seasonal and if i check i bet i say the same thing every year this time. "its better to be alone than to wish
you were" oct 27, 2007 mattresses are over-rated. i sleep on a hard concrete carpeted floor on top of as much blanket padding i got. mattresses are just not firm enough for me. i have become use to stretching and relaxing my body in ways i cannot in a mattress that gives and cannot support my body weight. more than likely to get a good mattress you may have to spend thousands on the frame, boxspring, etc. one thing about the traditional western bed and mattress system is that it gets you off the floor and out of the drafts, dust, and other things at floor level. my bedding is spread out in the center of the room allowing me a freedom of movement and a vast area to spread out in. i cover my bedding with a top comforter that i can walk on top of without shoes, as ive also grown accustomed to not wearing shoes in any house that i am in. this opens up my smaller bedroom tremendously. i feel there is also something psychological going on and feels like a eastern philosophy thing as i can sense the expanse i am sleeping on is more open and more free. when i travel and sleep in hotel beds they are cool and feel very pleasurable at first. very, very relaxing and maybe too relaxing making me feel lazy, maybe. then when i go to stretch or my body expects support and the bed gives its uncomfortable. i also do not have a couch in my apartment to lounge in. a couch is definitely intoxication to the body. i have a recliner i got from goodwill that is basically no good any more and not comfortable at all and i will replace that and can see possibly investing in a "good" one that gives me the proper support to relax my back and rest. oct 25, 2007 an ode to BLACK FEMALE In a message dated 10/23/2007 9:27:04 P.M. Pacific
Daylight Time, PFUNK1 writes: oct 8, 2007 The following is an email sent to you by an
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contact the webmaster of the board at the following address: sep 17, 2007 buddhism is just a story and an idea just like the other religions. i realized that no matter how harmonious this belief idea is creation did not come about because of a lotus flower or sumn. buddhism in all its wisdom and insight does not answer the creation story, at least i dont think. ok, i really havent looked deeply into it yet as i have been churning out video productions, but it hit me that buddhism is just as "bad" as christianity in some aspects and must be seen that way no matter how aligned i am with its philosophy. the story and analogies are good insight, but they aint happen just like the resurrection didnt. sep 10, 2007 living forever doesnt work. there would be no happiness if life was eternal the way humans are wired now. an ever lasting physical body may have no practicality. an eternal consciousness or that kind of energy may make more practical sense. a rock star dude backstage of a show brought up an idea of he heard that LSD opened the mind or brain up to understanding the quantum arena. i took the idea that could happen and applied it to the deepest feeling i know orgasm, and not LSD- without ruling out chemical stimuli. the ability to be sensitive to or recognize let alone manipulate sub atomic particles / energy in that realm using the neurons and synapses in our brains somehow at that sub atomic level when we transcend our normal consciousness like during orgasm or drug use or deep meditation. western life is designed to keep you engaged with normal life and in a "normal" consciousness. thats why the greatest figures in history stepped away from the norm for long periods of time and returned with a deeper understanding. either by living in the dessert for 40 years or by dropping out of society and living under the radar (like me?) and outside of the system that homogenizes us and our thinking in ways we may never know since we are inside of it all the time. things are changing though, the question may be can a growing conscious awareness in the west over take the antiquated economic and religious monster that built the west. i guess it has to as even rome fell. maybe its the same as it has always been. one races and cultures of people have been in a religious economic struggle for thousands of years with another. i bet the osama bin laden / muslim "arab thing?" is basically the same stuggles the romans and greeks fought against peoples of their times. western civilization survived thru britian to the united states. caucasian. rome adopted christianity. britain conquered the world. here we go again, ive been here before. i have seen the ethnicity of the people in early egytian artwork and heard of the great civilization and the libraries of egpyt was. did the greeks conquer and steal egyptian knowledge and understanding? were the greeks caucasian? i believe there is a consistent nature in people that comes from their deep heritage (evolution). there is a nature to war (vikings, etc) in some people and there are others who couldn't kill a bug (native americans). maybe hunter- gatherer thing even. yes, im revisiting all this but it feels good cause it still seems to hold true. data and knowledge i have gained since the last time i thought of this seems to match up. i do this for everything always all the time. i said white people invented pornography and i was right. it was the catholic church. porn literally comes from the "art" of the early christian catholic church. the soft sexy pictures in the sistene chapel is the first porn. the feet, the gestures, the skin tones, everything. porn is caucasian in nature. christianity may have been the only religion to allow pictures and visual representations in the religion. (this is idol worship actually; mary, the cross. all that symbolism is blasphemy). porn can be beautiful and i believe in the "proper" use of art pornography and the exercise of lust (my favorite sin). sep 8, 2007
for the love of wisdom sep 4, 2007 yesterday i was on my way to san bernardino in the intense heat and decided i aint wanna make this drive. so i pulled off onto colorado blvd off the 134 fwy and called folks sayin i aint coming out. it was like 10:30 am or so and the freeways and streets were basically empty and tranquil. its funny im a morning person kinda but the people i see out in the morning are usually of the conservative and "boring" type. my energy is up in the morning and im ready to mix it up but all the cool people are still in bed sleep. this day was no different and add the fact it was a gentile, white, docile old town pasadena people vibe too. i was aggressive and ready to be in somebodys face and this place and people were so passive it almost irritated me. i left pasadena so "worked up" i drove straight to skid row and the midnight mission just to be in some shit. and i needed it prolly cause i been in my hot hot hot apartment working intensely on a project. i had a strong urge to be in the grittiness and aggressiveness or whatever of that kind of environment. folks talking crazy. tension. the freedom of expression. them white folks in pasadena all start to look alike at a point. the same styles, the same look, the same "civilized" passive movements and overly polite dispositions. the same shy insecure smiling... maybe i wanted to just be in a place where i could be loud and noisy. and pasadena was easy as sunday morning. i get down to skid row and the energy and noise and dirt and reality of a city. even the tourists in hollywood can be so inexperienced its irritating to me at times. walking all close together in their tight groups wondering at the biggness of the city. maybe its a domesticated family life that grinds me. the alpha males of some evolved mammals do not live with the females and the offspring. aug 31, 2007 i love cnn. their recent special reports on god and religion are simply masterful. aug 21, 2007 http://www.peterrussell.dreamhosters.com/Odds/WorldClock.php aug 19, 2007 when im out i dance with everybody there, all at the same time. last night at the greek theater i danced with hundreds of people all over that place for hours. i drifted around floating on the beat of the music i grew up on and love so much knowing hundreds of people were watching me. its euphoric. early before the show looking over the ampitheater hundreds of people in clear view sitting not moving. moderately funky 70s funk music at a very polite level. everything is arranged to be so polite and controlled at the greek theatre. not me, not when P-FUNK is in the house i dont care who's house. i was respectful, but not polite. i danced so deep in it i love it sooo much. i cant stand seats at a concert and this was a seat sitting event and venue. no standing in the aisles so i keep movin to find space to groove and vibe... aug 17, 2007 regular people are corny. the majority of the people i surround myself with are not normal regular people. my god i can just imagine what a regular person from iowa is. well i have an idea i guess but i was suddenly re-reminded of it last night. reminded how non- normal and unconventional my thinking and lifestyle really is. the people i "party" with are not normal everyday working 9-5 with kids at home and pta meetings and this is not a complaint. normal people are in bed sleep well before 11pm. the bands i see arent even really awake till midnight. normal people do not party or go to a club to hear music without getting dressed up and rarely during the week. i dont even own a good pair of shoes anymore (exaggerated) . normal people may average going out as less as 1 time a year for "adult" fun. i average over 1 a week. and maybe the biggest thing is that regular people see, judge and make decisions on everything in the world in reference to their children.
aug 9, 2007 im back to normal now the love condition having left my body. dont feel like making videos too much anymore. for a month there i was making like a video a day. wow. a whole month being high like that. imagine. right now i really dont feel like making any videos or expressing in that way. im just chill. love as a drug used properly... aug 8, 2007 im convinced i am having a form of orgasm when i climax while grooving in my car. seems the driving motion with the traffic audience and its motion with my years of grooving in this sitting position i can put on music and damn near get there at will now but not all the time. the mood has to be right and i usually start slower tempo and build. certain songs are good to climax on sting, thomas dolby, the sundays wow funny white recorded music but it was black church music and parliament funkadelic dr funkenstein live and years and years and years of that dance physical and mental and confidence and ego and social communication understanding emotional mystic drug experimentation & experiences all that went in. the energy or point of orgasm seems to be in my chest area upper body and related to spine movement and the building of tension then release. i can like build this tension with groove and repetitive movement that sometimes seems to become instinctive or unconscious groove and im able to add a beat in to that complicated groove making another complicated syncopated groove on that. so im working intensely and precisely rhythmically many muscles building tension until i cant take it anymore but i cant stop and thats when it feels good, when i get to the point it hurts and i cant go anymore but i cant stop. thats when i can stretch it and push it cause im feeling ive never been here before so its like all gravy now and i go as far and as long as i can and funny its usually right with the climax of certain songs. hmmmmmm. i seem to always time my climax with the songs without knowing wow it seems. maybe. its the release of tension or built up adreneline or whatevers that feels like orgasm flowing all over my body. im at the point now i can literally feel the release of this "tension" and a flowing or blood rushing over my upper body and dissipating, i did it yesterday stuck in traffic to the point i was aware of what i was doing and went after it. thomas dolby i love you goodbye. syncopation of rhythms and harmony with stimulating vocals with meanings that envoke mysticisms and creativities and internal energies. i really believe its in me from ohio. for a time i thought i had discovered something but actually i may be chasing something that is literally in my blood. i must not forget the native american contribution to who i am in my family lineage. my mother has always spoke of the native american in my great grandmother and it may explain somethings if that the females are the "leaders" of society and not male dominated. the strongest people in my life are women by far, they are dominant but very nurturing and caring. but almost naturally dominant. it just hit me after years of stating both that they are the same. i have always said that parenting is the hardest job in the world by far bar none. i have also said that i have seen nothing in this universe stronger than a mother's love. duh. it would take the strongest thing to perform the hardest thing so this almost has to be a "natural" occurance. and IT IS MOTHER'S LOVE THROUGHOUT NATURE THAT MADE MODERN MAN. evolutionary physically mentally spiritually in every aspect its always some kind of mother giving birth and nurturing almost instinctively. aug 7, 2007 i am so so e. i love entourage. i love
john from cincinnatti. and a funky blue surfer car camper truck
i just saw on john from cincinnatti even if the people at HBO or where ever
are deliberately targeting an audience, aug 2, 2007 the ability to find and go to the
places in a groove or a rhythm where a beat has never existed- -jeffery scott mitchell aug 1, 2007 http://www.abriefhistoryofdisbelief.org/ july 31, 2007 july 29, 2007 july 28,
2007 its to the point that "coincidences" or removed references that represent something special to me happen so much i cant keep track of them. from shawney's mom being from van nuys on john from cincinnatti to the "how to" medical marijuana instructional i got on entourage to everything its like overwhelming at times. but i think hbo is catering to a fanbase with their stories and subject matter. but even if they were and are, the fact that there is a target group that that they feel will respond to atheism, weed, not so much sex, etc makes me feel good. i align and believe in the messages in these shows. hbo's entourage is me or i am it. i aint got the glam but the hustle is so beautifully the same. im e. i am soooo e. and just like him im gaining confidence in the game. and that comes from seeing and knowing and experiencing more and being able to recognize patterns and consistencies and develop strategies to be successful within those patterns and consistencies i am brilliant. genius. genius is being able explain or make complex things simple. im rusty. it takes time and practice to get back to smooth and flowing writing. where it just rolls right from thought to screen with me being hardly aware of my typing. when i get lost in it. im kinda almost gettin lost in it. it may take awhile to get use to this keyboard and desk arrangement. its been a while since ive written... im watching an aryan documentary about portland and they mention fishbone. watching little miss sunshine which made me cry and they eating dinah's chicken, i just shot a youtube at dinah's. stuff like that. and im not talking about the stuff that "should" happen when im watching the daily show or colbert report. theses shows are down with what i am and may "cater" my likes because we believe the same so there will be many cross references there. im talking about the coincidentals that come from remote removed sources. the youtube democratic debates were fantastic. i was so pleased and am sooooo happy that an atheist got to ask a question!! thats all i ask!! to see one of us or to have what i believed in acknowledged. not even acknowledged, just displayed at the national level. i should look up who that was cause i hope he is getting celebrated and gettin props. i should have sent a video question in. i fucked up. they only got like 3000. i even know the question and how i want to phrase it. dinah's has this all yoiu can eat thing i gotta check out and maybe the best fried chicken in the world yes better than albertsons! i will get a medical marijuana card as soon as i can afford it. i was out on tour kinda with fishbone when i told my mother i smoked weed. that was like last year and yes i am 45. i felt i had to do so cause i hope to be a public advocate for legalization and its like if she knows i REALLY dont care if anybody else does i aint telling my father thats a whole nother universe LOL!!! july 23, 2007 al gore should be our next president. he not only "created" the internet, but also current.tv if randy moss and tom brady can play together this whole season, the new england patriots will win the 2008 superbowl life is good. it will be a struggle, but humans are on the "right" track. i only drink water. no soft drinks, soda, tea, coffee. etc... i do not eat "sugar" products or sweets anymore. no ice cream, cookies, cakes, candy or anything sugar based. i eat for fuel. soon as i wake up i eat something if i want to or not. i eat small meals throughout the day. i even take food with me as a lunch to snack on where ever i am. i will take a can of soup, heat it up, put it in some tupperware and take some crackers with me so when im sitting in traffic and i get even the slightest little stomach rumble, i can re-fuel. if you starve yourself between meals you will get irritable and cranky. i tap off my penis after urinating with toilet paper to prevent pee from running down my leg when im drinking a lot of water and peeing alot. there has been humidity in california and i think its one of the most wonderful things. i love humidity and i feel most comfortable in it. i even breathe better and easier. with humidity, california has everything i probably could ask for. answer this question: how did the universe come into being?
"i love you so much i hope i can't have
you" february 19, 2007 PFUNK1.COM: the business this is stuff im splitting away from WEFUNKWEST.COM. this is a move to better define and consolidate informations that are spanned across the many organizations im working with which pertain to me, PFUNK1. this will also better serve the organizations PFUNK1 supports. november 21, 2006 Posted by jeffery on 11/21/2006, 12:31 pm, in reply to "Missin It?" i do not agree with censorhip in any form.
allowed to be. a person can hate and should be able to say whatever he wants, even the klan and white supremists. THE LINE IS DRAWN AT PHYSICAL CONTACT. and when a person does what richards did, he will
to try and "regulate" racism or hatred on a stage an example would be that it would not bother me
maybe o.j. simpson too. same thing, let them say what they the goldmans were on larry king twice and i
september 26, 2006 http://ravingatheist.com/forum/viewtopic.php?pid=161521#p161521 september 20, 2006 http://www.youtube.com/comment_servlet?all_comments&v=2WHf5HFDk10&fromurl=/watch%3Fv%3D2WHf5HFDk10 september 11, 2006 http://www.videosift.com/story.php?id=8023 september 8, 2006 http://www.fazed.net/view/?id=12115&last july 10, 2006 http://hellboundalleee.blogspot.com/2006/07/atheist-harrassed.html june 30, 2006 http://www.wonderfulatheistsofcfl.org/Quotes.htm
happy birthday 5.5 june 21, 2006 i was ready to be fired. only question i asked was will i be eligible for unemployment. mentally i had already went there. i have no savings to fall back on. i want to change careers and do this FUNK thing "fulltime." i want to be able to devote my time and attention to something i feel is worthy, relevant, challenging, etc. anyways i just went to lunch and had what i said i wanted; orange chicken, bbq pork, chow mein and rice. they didnt have the drink i wanted so i went to mcdonalds and got a large hi-c orange drink. this drink was so sweet its prolly gonna give me a headache. i sat outside between the arco tower skyscapers in the summer warm and looked at the girls and people. i am definitely in a depressed state. i thought again how this jobs seems to be the root of all my issues. but this time i thought that it could be worse if i didnt have a job. i remember how "bad" i felt when i was desperate to get a job to survive back in 2002. i REALLY didnt like that and the state i was in was not the best disposition to have when asking folks for a job. but things may be different this time, as i have other projects, accomplishments and stuff that should benefit me in my survival. between unemployment and my 401k i should be able to have at least 6 months of living expenses. this was the case in 2000 when i "quit" Artisan. but i took like a year off to wander or whatever i was doing and then 9-11 happened and there were no jobs. but the bottom line is this job is not the problem. its me. its me and what i want to do vs what i am doing. its what i think i am and my ego and spoiledness vs how i think my life should be. life is work. the lifestyle i want to live- HOLD UP! let me stop right here as i am reminded. I LOVE THE HBO SERIES ENTOURAGE. i fuckin love love love love that show. the last episode was set in the same valley that i live in and so many of the things they said and did hit home. its the life i want to live being portrayed the way i think it is and should be. of the main characters in the show im "e." and in some cases literally im doing what he does or should be. in every episode somebody is smokin weed. i fuckin love that show. ok, where was i? ok, i need to look for a new job. over the last weekend i updated my resume and it looks good. i looked at some job websites and there are positions advertised. my FUNK career is all but sittin there with her legs spread sayin "come on what you got?" opportunity is all around me and im way more than capable. a month ago i was operating at peak performance. my weight is down and my clothes fit well. i look and feel good for the most part. the tools and skills are there. i just need to execute.
may 15, 2006 http://www.healtouch.com/csft/yoga.html may 12, 2006 a friend of mine made a comment the other day along the lines of "dont make me not like you." this was a response he had when i told him of something i may do that he obviously fundamentally disagrees with. there are a few subjects that i have noticed rub people the wrong way and i dont mean the usual sex, religion or politics. maybe it is political cause it deals with our system of welfare, unemployment and bankruptcy. my mother also was angered along these same lines in the past and i can understand why though i may not agree with it. it seems certain people live their life according to a set of guidelines that may become deeply ingrained in them. they work very hard and stay very dedicated to a standard they set for themselves. they truly believe to the point they may not know or understand or can see it any other way. and they get angered when others take advantage or utilize or mis-use or whatever these ideals they have set for themselves. my initial point to make writing this was that these people adopted or had instilled in them a philosophy or belief system or understanding which permits or causes this anger or frustration. i mean, sure i have strong differences with a lot of things that go on around me, even with certain people personally, but i do not let them get to me to the point of anger or frustation. the way i see it, that kind of behavior is not part of my philosophy regardless of the disagreement. maybe its just not in my nature, but i believe its a fundamental part of my belief for myself that nothing can or will effect me like that. if im doing something and living to a standard, it does not bother me if other people dont. the other point to make was that its the person's "choice" or up to that person to have this belief system that ends in dogma that leads to a constant frustration. tryin to live up to outdated ideals and standards that just dont work in todays world. i know 2 people who can not be happy because of the way they believe. they stand strong, honest and almost virtuous behind philosophies that leave them behind and not really enjoying life. its weird and a shame. i guess im getting at the fact that my belief system seems not to lead to this caveat or dogma. people who do not believe as i do not anger me. there is nothing that just cause i dont do it and others do that it angers me. even someone getting an "unfair" advantage does not bother me. its part of the game. the way i see it is maybe some people have busted their ass and feel they didnt take the "easy" way out and are angered by those who have and seem to have an advantage. its a tough call and i feel for these people. i have lived a life so good that at times i feel i didnt deserve it. sometimes ive felt that as an able bodied male that i havent carried my weight and have lived a much better and free life than those that have. i see people with belief systems that limit them with phantom "what ifs" and have them engulfed in fear. i was once. ive had too much reverence for certain institutions that did not deserve it. then as i experienced them and was able to see for myself and make my own determinations i found that a lot of life is just smoke. its really not that serious. its really not to be feared so deeply and blindly. institutions instilled in us should be evaluated constantly for validity and relevance. may 6, 2006
"enhancing the experience for the viewer" just
heard that on tv.
seems like every saturday morning i am moved to or close to tears . this time it was the movie orchestra wives made in 1942. and once again it was a movie that just happen to come on cause the tv was on that channel from the night before that touched on subject matter very relevant to whats going on in my life. the first sequence i saw the band was discussing going on the road and the perils that lie within. it was 1942 white band music that did have a swing or groove to it i bet for 1942 standards. there are no black people in this movie until the very end when two brothas come out and dance to the finale performance. the slang and lingo in the movie is very "hip" and the musicians and the lifestyle is portrayed exactly like what i think of as the "rock n roll" lifestyle. when i see things like this im reminded that this is all soooooo very deep and has been around so much longer than i. it is a lifestyle. another idea that hit me is that under the rules of christianity, i HAVE to burn in hell. i was telling my favorite christian that in order for his belief system to work, i have to burn in hell cause if i dont it invalidates his whole philosophy. there is no way i can live the life i live and he live the life he does (we're talking the idealized life for test purposes) and we both end up in the same place after death. i told him i could not embrace a belief system where built in is something like that. according to christian beliefs, over half the world and most of humanity will burn in hell cause they do not accept jesus as the only way to god.
may 6, 2006
astrology works cause the constellations correspond to the seasons. people born or conceived (not sure yet) in the winter may have different dispositions than people born or conceived in the summer. im sure there is a species where the temperature of the embryo effects its development. it could be beneficial to a species if its offspring were born with varying dispositions, tendencies, and preferences. these would lead them to solve problems differently and thus provide the species as a whole a wider "worldview." (or whatever the word is). OHIO: i think the midwest was where black people found the most wealth and freedom and this lead to the evolution of some very magical people, both black and white. i also think the native american culture played a part.
may 4, 2006 i was on my way back to work from the alley (the shopping fashion district los angeles) after having bought 12 t-shirts that will be made into WEFUNKWEST promo gear when i heard the beginning of flashlight. stuff like that is so inspiring to me and i sang (not obnoxiously loud) and got into it like i was the only one on the bus. i let it go all thru me as i closed my eyes and concentrated on hearing the music as it was from a car that was on the street. as i was gettin into it the only other black person on the f dash got up and a guy wearing a STEELERS hat sat in his seat. may 1, 2006 los angeles is magical. plain and simply its magical here. KOBE BRYANT is the best basketball player ever and possibly the greatest athlete ever. and the funny thing about me, i dont even think i like MR BRYANT. but i respect him and everything he has gone thru, regardless if it was deserved april 30, 2006 i got up to go to work today. i got dressed, caught the bus to the station, entered the station and walked down the stairs to the train platform when i realized it was sunday. i asked the closes person who happened to be an older black female in nappier dreads was today sunday cause my phone which is never wrong said "Apr 30, 06 (Sun)" and i quote. i LOL. i mean i really laughed outloud in amazement and proud celebration. i think this is such a cool thing. even if i just stay home and screw off the rest of the day. to be so relaxed that you dont even know what day it is, is the motherfuckin goal. to be able to go within yourself so deep for so long you loose track of physical time. i gained a day. i may have experienced so much within myself in one physical day that it felt like 2. i felt good going to work to and i was like "ready." rested and in a good frame of mind. my sense of physical time was off consciously, subconsciously, physically, spiritually, etc. maybe every aspect of my being lost its sync or tracking with the physical time in which we live. i thought about laundry and it being monday and if i would do it when i got home. i thought about it being may 1 and a may 4 deadline approaching. so i was thinking and operating. my first notice was how empty the streets were. how light the traffic and the buzz was. i noticed the slow of sunday morning but expected the buzz of monday morning. i "found" reasoning for this that the immigrant protests slated for may 1 were very effective. i didnt mind going to work obviously as i was not fighting or resisting and may have even been enjoying it. actually i do enjoy the train and bus ride and being out in public. so actually this may be something i could be doing on sundays anyways. it is pleasant, very pleasant when public transportation is not crowded. i went to bed early yesterday i think like 8pm or sumn i cant friggin remember (thats the goal! not to be able to remember). wait i watched a movie no i watched john mcwhorter on c-span this dude is bad shit clarence thomas was in the audience and this brother took off right in it for like an hour straight. anyways i watched another movie cause it went off like at 11:30 cause i note SNL was a rerun of cartoons yeah what was the movie i forget but i also watched steven colbert at the dc writers ball which i always seem to find entertaining every year. president bush was there and didnt look overly excited as ive seen him in the past. the jokes may have been scathing if im using the correct term. what was that movie the irony or angst of the movie is on the tip of my tongue shit what was it? love i think characters together shit i forget but it went off at 11:30 or so ...fuckin BEWITCHED goddamnit that the movie with WILL FERRELL and NICOLE KIDMAN yeah it was interesting enough to keep me thru the whole thing. i just looked it up on yahoo tv cause i could not remember the movie at all and that was less than 12 hours ago and i watched it for 2 hours. this is the goal. the suspension from "reality." people tell me im in my own world and i am and i know it and its becoming more and more evident and significant. it has an impact or an effect on me its to that degree. but i want to keep being out there. this is the goal to be able to keep being out there. out here maybe now. shit i need to pay my rent. oh cool i can have it post marked tomorrow as its the 1st. whew ok. the temporary suspension from one's surroundings to the point of loosing (or gaining depending on perspective) time. if i felt i "accomplished" enough and was ready for monday a day early, its as if i gained a free day. cause i was "ready" and "prepared" for the monday. what will i do with the day? hell i dont have to do nothing. i do want to take a ride. thats jefferytime. thats the jefferytime i talk about. to the point i lost a day. thats being within yourself. not so much blocking out, but not being aware or influenced or effected by external energies (information, data, strategy, intention, timing). "loosing" track of the rising and setting of the sun. loosing track of days. fuck ive written about it and said it enough that i got it down to a tight soundbyte. "to the point you not only dont know if its am or pm but what day it is." this is accomplished by a forms of meditation and yoga and dance and a certain thinking primarily, and not by an overwhelmed or "blackedout" state caused by any drug or alcohol. this is not some crazy stupor, i dont think anyways LOL. it dont hurt and i can function if need be. the suspension from certain functions or the suspension of certain functions. i could go back to bed right now, thats where im at. or i could take a ride or turn a party out. its a nice relaxed it dont matterness that im drifting in. im playing in it now. im gettin hungry. thats what usually starts it. i eat and watch tv and that sets the tone. eating in front of the tv and then sleeping is the best. it is, lets face it. even for couples. even for couples of couples.
i want always to be able to go here.
april 11, 2006 HIP-HOP music is
depressing...
march 29, 2006
january 25, 2006 my morning TREY LEWD january 1, 2006 happy new year we're gonna blow the cobwebs out
yo'mind. george clinton made an appearance at
the templebar. it was a big evening and prolly even a very significant one. mr clinton very helped to turn it completely out. and then dj rashida played mothership
connection, december 15, 2005 im depressed. it will pass. december 10, 2005
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1800237139/cast december 9, 2005 but overall, all the things ive been working for (maybe ALL my life) are coming together. and its like a beautiful ballet. well maybe thats somber overkill and overly poetic. but it is beautiful when i stop and look at it sometimes. a natural progression towards something that may encompass all my talents, passions, philosophies, theories, attributes, etc etc. like either i have created a situation that best fits me, or visa versa. like there is this non-expressed- blah blah blah ok ive grown weary of this. aborting. i aint do shit at work today. walked around downtown los angeles and sat in the sun and rode the train for a couple hours. i cannot bring myself to do any corps work. november 29, 2005 today i said hi to a female that i have walked by for like 2 years. a very attractive tall brown girl with legs and a booty and a body and a smile and hair and a booty and that wears minimal make up just how i have drawn them up in the past. im talking like 5'10 or sumn. i have watched her walk and been made giddy by it more than once. but today i was made just plain silly smiley happy by a hello from a girl. and i mean i was beaming ear to ear and i knew it cause i felt it and i didnt care. it may be in these moments that i revel most in my consciousness and in the possibility. and when life's simplest is its grandest. maybe i knew. maybe i built this simple act up to have such grand impact. sure i could have said hi and got to know her maybe but thats no fun. is it? would the pleasure i got from knowing her over this time amount to more than the pleasure i have received almost every lunch walking by and peeking at her for 2 years? and oh please add the level of pleasure and enjoyment i received today. that very may have been a new kind of high. not so much the most intense or highest of the highs, but a new one with a new kind of pleasure. anyways its like 8pm and im winding down and am remembering that during my happy little boy episode today that i thought about writing this here. i mean, i actually went thru the feelings i would have when i sat down to type this as im doing now. i knew i would find the daily that i wrote about her and i would read and re-experience that and what i was feeling at that time and when. find out i wrote about her october 12, 2004 and this was like 8 days before i met the girl that im on the phone with now and who i earlier read the daily to and explained why i went to the daily in the first place. you see how good it can get from the simplest thing? (universe big, everybody&everything) and ofcourse when daydreaming about writing this in the back of my mind was also the idea of getting a copy of this to her. and how i would feel writing about it now, and how i felt when i was thinking about it then. and how it made me feel then, when i thought about writing about presenting it to her before i did. and then the time in between. this consciousness is by far the best thing there is. and if you noticed i said nothing of the actual event, the actual greeting we exchanged and how. it could almost have been irrelevant, but in this case i dont think it was. what i thought and how i interpreted our exchange played a big part as the glass was more than half full. not that i think she wants me or nothing but that she is well aware of the non relationship i have been having with her. i said hello feeling like "it is about time, aint it?" LOL and it seemed she did too. thinking this more i got and had a few of these non relationships. LOL i almost truly do believe that once you talk to them it changes. they no longer are a fantasy and must be treated like a human. humans have what we have come to call "flaws" but fantasies dont. you have to deal with a real human being, but not with a fantasy. in fact it was just last week when i came close to another major infatuation of mine to the point i made peace with the fantasy and prepared myself to meet her and make her human. i was cool about it too. i could feel the adreneline shout thru my body and my heart racing as i happened to glance up straight dead on eye to eye across the room with her. i thought i kept my cool externally and worked out in my head all the things that i would do and how i would handle greeting and meeting her. ofcourse handling the social requirements while enjoying the fading of the fantasy and hopefully somehow making subtly her aware that this transition is taking place right in front of her.
new theory before i forget: been thinking about what the "ultimate nothing" could have been. then i got the conclusion that there never was nothing. nothing is a concept like forever that can exist in concept only. the nothing questions helps answer another ultimate i have i "in the very begining, something had to create itself from nothing." if there was never nothing, then something didnt have to create itself from a nothing. i posed this to my sister with my "forever" idea and she said if there never was nothing, then there is forever. got to admit that was a good one. it fits in with my thinking even though i dont have it all figured out yet. also "love" literally definitely may have been what made us human. it also may have been the catalyst for consciousness. and consciousness and being human may be the same in a way in this case, kinda sorta too tired now for detail its tuesday cosmic oddessy night on discovery channel i hope they aint talking about mars again hey maybe cosmos!!! cool cosmos and carl sagan in 10 minutes!!!! october 17, 2005
october 13, 2005
september 28, 2005 i feel i gotta do something to improve my energy and there are other vices i could give up that would prolly help me with that but i aint ready to let them go just yet. (yeah, id rather give up meat than them!). and i know i should get some exercise and have more vigorous activities that get my heart rate up. prolly should get a job that challenges and motivates me also, but hey. the point also being that one time i ate at a restaurant that i usually wouldnt with a friend and after i finished eating i had more energy than when i started! that blew me away. im mr beef and fried foods and ya know how you feel after meals like that. so when i had this kinda veggie turkey higher quality food (i forget what i had) and wasnt all tired and felt more energetic i was impressed. maybe cause im getting older and my body doesnt respond like it use to. i feel im in fairly good shape whether i am or not so i expect to be able to run around like a 20 sum'n...
september 26, 2005 my first book one man's FUNK ENETELCHY and THEORY OF UNIVERSE did a good job in laying a foundation and getting in print the basis of my thinking. as it has been for maybe a year or so the direction and title of my next book will be one man's ATHEISM. this is definitely the subject that im most attracted to and i feel "most" important. i will research atheism throughout history and present my conclusions according to my own subjective experiences. i will extract all the atheistic stuff in my first book and continue to build on it. because i know things change and i stray from rigid commitments and predictions which cause responsibility, the tentative idea for my 3rd book is one man's MASTURBATION. this is the official public debut of this. i am drawn to subjects that dont seem to get the proper attention or i feel are characterized improperly maybe because of outdated beliefs and conceptions. also there are things that ive been taught and told that are not consistent with my own personal experiences. over time i can develop an understanding of these inconsistencies and then begin to detail and explain them. this seems to be happening with the idea of masturbation and "artificially" stimulating one's self. i mean think about it, orgasm is possibly the best physical instance of pleasure a human can have. its that way for a reason, not by accident. sex is for procreating. orgasm and sex are linked possibly via our evolution and played an important part in our development as humans im sure. but is it "necessary" to have them attached now that we are an evolved species? we can artificially stimulate ourselves to orgasm without sex. we can proceate without sex or orgasm now. (im rambling and grasping just to give you and idea of where im trying to go). combine that with an expanded freedom of thinking and consciousness and awareness and technology and etc and you have a whole new frontier. i believe masturbation or artificial sexual stimulation will be very big soon. slowly as historic religious ideas and taboos fade and as more people can become totally free to express and embrace this, the levels of pleasure will soar. the level of concentration and the degrees of deep experience that can be achieved is directly related to how comfortable a person is and how much "support" they get in this thinking as far as their community goes. this is the first time ive addressed this subject so my words and sentences will not be too smooth, but the framework for this book is there along with personal experiences which my claims are built upon. so that should make my 4th book about death and dying. how will i title it? one man's DEATH? LOL i dont know. and now that i have publicly laid out a tentative series of books i want to write, i note one other major subject that needs to be covered; love. one man's LOVE has got to be done also. this should be done before death so that would make death my 5th book... september 8, 2005 .../images/life/P-FUNK/gclinton_cdsigning_20050906/
august 29, 2005 sloth is now officially my 3rd favorite sin.
august 26, 2005
august 22, 2005 and i hope most of y'all know what it feels like to be in love. sure there are some of y'all so contorted from life experiences that you are bitter and angry. and some have never experienced love or been in love before so they wouldnt know the feeling of day dreamy-ness and happiness love brings. i aint saying this right prolly cause im all wishy washy and unfocused and dont really feel like concentrating on finding the most poetic and stimulating words as being in love makes you like this. being in love or having the love condition gives you a sense of complete well being. not sure if i wrote about this in a daily recently, but this is a conclusion i have recently come up with. that is why human animals seek companionship with such vigor. no matter your surroundings if one human has another human to be in love with he can achieve at least temporarily a state of complete well being. but with this state of well being comes complacency. with complacency comes a form of laziness as it seems humans are built to react to urgency or immediate threat. humans may be responders in that we do best when we are responding to to something that has already occurred. im feeling egg salad on croussiant for breakfast from the 9th floor cafeteria. see what i mean? complacent and relaxed to the point i dont even feel the need to stay on topic. free to wander mentally and spiritually to places that im free to experience. cause thats what it all is about. the freedom and ability to be aware of new things. say for example a new driver concentrating on the road and other cars will not notice buildings or birds flying around cause he is distracted by driving. but once he reaches a comfort zone from experience he will be able to notice his surroundings while driving. i think this about life and consciousness. to grow or make a leap of consciousness all you need is the spare time or the relaxedness or the whatever to see it to become aware of it. its almost that simple! the greatest leaps of consciousness have been the simplest solutions once recognized. i was just downstairs hanging in the mailroom waiting for my egg salad sandwich to be ready which i already ate and am thinking about getting another one when my christian buddy made the statement "realized the obvious." i think thats what leaps in conscious awareness are, when we are able to realize the obvious that no one else has realized. i think you have to be open to experience i got to spend time with
my kids and i picked my daughter up from work and let her drive most of
the days i was home. both my kids got jobs already and they prolly got
that from their mother as i didnt get a job until college and i messed
that up when i did. well wait, i did work at a church campgrounds in
west middlesex, pa for a couple of weeks until i got fired. hell i got
fired or let go from my first 3 or 4 jobs. i aint a worker. work aint my
thing. accomplishemnt is. if i can find a way to do it eaiser and faster
i will and this is not seen as working in parts of our society. work is
not a virtue to me. labor is not the reason, accomplishment is. no
matter how quick or effortless it may be.
august 22, 2005 ../events/Event_Trips/FunkTrip_2005/
august 7, 2005 i absolutely love the HBO series
ENTOURAGE. ive always loved jeremy piven. july 30, 2005 its just a word... and if anything, "nigga" is being
embraced... july 26. 2005 they say as far as jobs go, 3 years and move and i believe this. my previous previous job i hit the wall at 3 years and it was the best job i ever had. ive been at my present job just over 3 years and ill reserve comment. from april 1999 to april 2002 i went thru a period where i couldnt see or experience enough art and galleries. it seems one day i just had no desire to pursue the art thing anymore and it was damn near exactly 3 years. now it seems i may have hit the wall with my live music infatuation. seeing live bands doesnt seem to move me like it once did. case in point: last night i walked out of a SOULIVE concert. now it could have been the headspace that i wasnt in as it has been like 3 weeks since the clock struck 4:20 for me. it could have been mi fave hangout was overcrowded with youngish white kids who although they were into the music and brought energy, were not really groovin and movin. i had took a nap so i shouldnt have been tired. right before SOULIVE came on the dj played we want the funk by parliament and that put me in a good place. SOULIIVE was gettin it but the music just wasnt movin me. and i may be concerned as i love them. it seemed the music was too jazzy and not enough "on the one." the white kids loved that all over the place groove as they can shake an vibrate and "dance" all over the place and not on any real beat. i tried to get into it but by 10:30 after about an hour of music i left. all that said to get to the point thats it been 3 years since my art experience craze ended which may have marked the beginning of my live music and bands craze. so maybe once again its 3 years and move. another idea i kinda just came up with is that the only time it seems i would "kill" or "be killed" is for my children. this lead me to realizing that there may be something in me that would not allow my children to disrespect me to the point that i "could take one of them out" if pushed. i know that sounds bad, but there is nothing that i care about more than my children. nothing moves me more or has an effect on me like they do. nothing else is that important to me for me to "kill" or "be killed." it would take something VERY important to me to generate the kind of emotion to go to that level. i think i came to this idea via another incident in my life. if i have a best friend its blackie and there may be something between us that creates in me a pride that i will not let anyone disrespect. maybe because of the "role" ive assumed with her (in my mind) and the belief i feels she has in me, i have something along the lines of pride that will not allow me to let her down. maybe its an image i believe i "need" to maintain but there is something that created a very intense emotion in me recently that was real and that i didnt understand. all that said to say this. ive always said that i could not worship a god that kills his children. a god seen as "father" would never kill his children. ive asked people "would you ever kill your kids?" (i admit it was a setup question as i knew everyone would say no out of political correctness). funniest thing is the only time i maybe would be "pushed" to kill is for or about my children. i also see now why two men would fight to the death. i see how the pride in a man could push him to the kill or be killed level. even in the animal world alpha males leave the group or are killed. runner-up or second best just ain't my
pedigree "we dont know" is incompatible with religion. the answer to the ultimate questions of "how did we get here?" and "how was the universe created?" is "we don't know." cause "we" don't. not i, not religion, not scientists, nobody really knows. but this answer invalidates the whole story of god and the bible and therefore an awful lot of religions. july 20, 2005
Re: "on-it-ness"
"and the maybe yet to be defined WHITE GIRL SPIRITUALITY
should be very proud of your contributions to the energy
of consciousness"
i
believe that within what i define as WHITE GIRL there is
not
just the way and how white girls act or do things,
but a
spirituality that seems almost unique to them.
now i
aint sayin "all white girls this" or "no non-white
girls
have it," im saying that there is a vibe or energy
and
connectedness they seem to have. maybe an example
is
lesbian. who else in the world could pull of lesbian
and
make it sooooo good? and real and believable? LOL
two
white girls dancin nasty in public is all but accepted
now!
can you
imagine two sistas doing that? sure there are
some,
but the percentages are low. it takes something
to be
open and vulnerable like that to a creature that
is the
same as you. white or black male to male,
black
female to female just dont seem to get along
they
way 2 white girls can. (and maybe im just talkin
about
california whitegirls or the ones i experience out
most
out here)
im
makin this up as i go along and maybe im grasping,
but
there is something to the uninhibitness, disposition,
ability
of communication, sorta insecure demeanor and
maybe
even the social position of white female that maybe
creates
her special way of being. all of it goes into making her
what
she is and i think in that she is finding herself
and
each other in the modern world. shit, until the 50s
yall
was stuck in the kitchen. black people found a
togetherness
via
oppression, white male fuck them they found togetherness
in
conquering LOL. but at what massive level has white
female
come together? i think the white female
come-together-ness
may
have started in the more modern era so its was defined
under more
modern
(and intelligent) terms. maybe even at a higher
consciousness as we all have continued to evolve. so she
may
have a more sophisticated and intelligent social groups
or
whatever
oh yeah
im REALLY rambling and grasping now
i dont
know all i know for sure is i can talk to a
white
girl about anything and i cant say that about
anybody
else. and the black girl i can talk to like
that
admits she is more white girl than black (ok nigga).
hilary
clinton or some white female is gonna come up
and the
world will change forever cause she will have
identity with the 2nd strongest demographic in the west.
and
since she is sleepin with and mothering the the
#1
demographic its only a matter of time before her
ideas
and spirituality become dominant.
the
west is softening. the powerful conservative rigid white
male is
taking a beating right now and he may survive as
he IS
the military. but he cant helped but be softened.
ok so
where was i? im gonna post this as a daily.
thanks
for the inspiration.
and
white female is all inclusive. she bringing
airbody
with her. even the fuckin pets and the whales
and the
trees!! she has compassion to save everything,
even
the things that dont need to be saved. she doesnt
seem to
have enemies and really isnt angry like the
other
big 3. (black male, black female and white male).
these
are the dominants in the west and the west
is leading the world with white male still considerably
in control.
one
thing i said about white female a long time ago is
that if
something goes wrong, her first thought is "what did
i do
wrong?" the other dont do that, in fact they may even
be
aggressive enough to go on the offense without all the
facts.
this
dispositin in itself is enough to make the world better.
it may
be that she has the lowest amounts of testosterone,
i dont
know.
i say
all that to say that within all that is a loose
spirituality. she isnt the type to band together as
white
girl only groups- though im sure they exist.
she may
not even be the type to band together at all
and
thats what makes it work. like being common
independantly.
ok
thats enough for this writing exercise. it was
good.
would
you answer a question for me please,
you
being a white girl yourself- is there anything that ive
said
above that you dont think are white girl qualities?
i mean,
in your experience is there anything ive said
that
differs from your experience? do you agree with
all ive
said about your demographic?
and oh
about me i am the happiest i have ever been.
im also
in the best shape physically, mentally, intellectually
and
spiritually. im operating and functioning better than
i ever
have and more than probably better than 90%
of any
human that has ever existed. shit make that 95%.
and im
not only realizing that i need to do something with it,
its
like inevitable that i will. its becoming very very
clear to
me what
i am and what i can do and how much i stand
out in
and above in everything i do. everything is easy for me-
and i
mean everything...
you
asked! LOL
Re: "on-it-ness" PART 2
oh i forgot the real question. YOU are
contributing to this spirituality
something possibly very very very special.
your angle, your thing,
your entelechy, your you and whatever you
are doing is unique.
sure everybody is unique, but there was
something you did or
said that made you stand out to me. and
actually i forgot what it
was, but i can remember feelings of "wow" i
got from you.
and it was you being you in that very very
white girl way
im too tired to now but connect that to the
"bigness" of
PART 1 and that makes you some kind of a
special
i gotta dance that aint got no
steps, y'all july 16, 2005 more cowbell. christina applegate is starring in a revival of sweet charity on broadway. i got a fever and the only
prescription is more cowbell
july 4, 2005
may 23, 2005 back to the point. watching deadwood last night i was so into it i cheered more than once. the cussing, realism, personalities, good characters, the toughness and rawness of the people during that time. i am so into the story, plot and characters im attached. who is good, bad, incompetent, evil, smart, etc. this show seems to have non- standard character personalities. i say that to mean that the "hero" in this show isnt all good,and the villians arent all bad. but everyone seems to be VERY honest. and maybe thats what i digs about it. a raw open honestness about sex, desire, death, killing, etc. topics are confronted head on and these people, even the weaker ones, seem to be less afraid and determined than the "normal" characters in todays tv. like last night. for whatever reason it seems the show made a drastic and unexpected turn towards the betterment of the camp. ya see deadwood is a new and developing town in the early days of the united states during the gold rushes. it is still called a "camp" but is growing as leadership falls into place. the thing being that all the leadership wasnt "good." there were somethings some people did that was "bad" and that i wanted them to suffer for. last night it seemed all the bad guys were taken care of. and ofcourse in typical fashion it was handled straight ahead brutally with murder. also ive found that as i get older its harder to recover from vacations and lazy days. it may be better not to have weekends where i shutdown or go on mental vacations. i think thats why some people i know stay busy on the weekends with what i think is "busy" work. its getting harder and harder to start back up after shutting down. yester- sunday i woke up around 6:30a and grabbed the bike i havent ridden in maybe 2 years that had 2 flat tires and put it on the back of my car with my bike rack. stopped by the gas station paid 50 cent for air and hit venice beach. it was an absolutely beautiful day and i rode from venice beach to santa monica pier and back. it was euphoric to be outside in such comfortable weather. also my disposition was completely relaxed. i had no apprehension or un-easiness or anything. it was a heavenly feeling. i rode kinda leisurely but put effort into it a few times. i had found a free place to park on venice blvd and noticed that i was there so early on sunday (before 8am) that the big parking lot was like only $2. (by the time i rode by on my bike it was up to $5). and even after my maybe 3-4 mile ride i was not tired and still had some energy left. i thought that cool. watched meet the fockers which had funny parts but was fairly predictable. i also rented national treasure (which was much better) cause there was a video store next to the sandwich shop i stopped at which makes an italian special (i get mine no lettuce no tomato extra cheese) that was so good i went back the next day and got the same sandwich this time in a combo substituting 2 chocolate cookies for the drink with chips. april 11, 2005 its another monday. i have got to stop abusing myself with the degrees of self indulgence that i achieve. the inactivity combined with the sleeping, eating, laziness and staying within myself takes it toll on me come monday. and by "staying within myself" i mean drifting and wandering completely content and satisfied within my own thoughts inside my own head. its to the point im attracted almost only to the "new age" music channel on cable because this style of music is very mentally and spiritually relaxing. after weekends like this sometimes i dont fully awaken till like tuesday afternoon. and the cycle is self perpetrating in that the more lazy i get the more lazier i wanna be. like now, all i wanna do is go home for more sleeping, eating and being within myself. i realized this yesterday cause i rented a car for the weekend ($33 enterprise.com) but didnt really go nowhere in it except the same excursions i make every weekend to the beach. and i make those just to get out of the house so i can be hungry and sleepy again. i need to exercise on the weekends and/or increase my activity. but the funny thing is i am fairly productive during these times. i usually wake up around 5amish and will get on the computer and accomplish a few things. ill work for like maybe 5 -6 hours on my hobby- business- life projects and actually see tangible productivity. so its not a complete loss. and last week there was a lot of little cool things going on in my life and a big one or two. sure most of it was good stuff, but even this can make you tired. i need to look at my calendar to see my activities over the last month and see maybe why i am in this condition. ok, lets see... yeah i been a bit busy. maybe my busy weekdays are draining me. i am doing a bunch of good things. but sometimes its like a blur. like im playing in a game bigger than me and im bustin my ass just to keep up so it seems like im not really producing. when actually my increased productivity is being dwarfed by the scale of the game im in. or sumn. either ways about it i gotta start being more active and/or maybe exercise on the weekends. and thank god the weekends are only 2 days long and then i get to come back to work cause if they were any longer i may die from sloth. and another part that concerns me is i have been missing bands perform where in the past i would not have. ive been too lazy to go out! i even missed a big social event (a birthday party) cause i was just too lazy to leave the house. but all in all i know that i am producing good stuff. and i mean stuff that may change or impact history. i feel i am creative and though i feel like im "struggling" and not seeing any hardcore direct results sometimes, i know i must keep on building it. whatever it is. and i will. cause to be honest im not sure what "it" is. i just know i will continue to build it. and i didnt even mention the weight i gain over the weekends eating albertsons brand frozen self rising pizzas and their deli fried chicken (some of the best there is) and cole slaw and chips and cookies and ofcourse sumn sweet to drink! its like the same routine i get off work on friday pick up the same items and go home for the same thing. and even though its a good good thing it still becomes a routine. but i aint complaining i dont think, as a lot of good things continue to happen to me...
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