february 19, 2001
Main Entry: dance
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 : an act or instance of dancing
2 : a series of rhythmic and patterned bodily movements usually performed to music
3 : a social gathering for dancing
4 : a piece of music by which dancing may be guided
5 : the art of dancing

"The dancing lord Shiva represents the constant process of creation,
preservation and destruction of the universe.
He trods on the dwarf, symbolic of Ignorance, which must be eliminated
if a believer is to attain release from the eternal cycle of birth and death."
http://www.nelson-atkins.org/collections/seasian/detail/shiva.htm

"On one level, the drum beats out the rhythm for Shiva's dance.
On a second more profound level,
the steady beat of the drum represents the rhythm of creation."
http://www.prs.k12.nj.us/~ewood/World_History/SHIVATWO/DRUMS.HTML

"Devout Hindus strive to reach a state of perfect understanding called moksha.
But their efforts are frequently thwarted by ignorance and illusions.
Shiva is shown dancing atop the back of a dwarf demon named Apasmara.
The demon represents humanity's ignorance of the true nature of reality.
By dancing upon Apasmara's back, Shiva symbolically offers his followers
the hope that they can escape life's illusions.
http://www.prs.k12.nj.us/~ewood/World_History/SHIVATWO/DEMONOFIGNORANCE.HTML
 

february 15, 2001
valentines day is a trip. there is a noticable difference in all my girl friends-
(not girlfriends but friends that are girls) very notciable. the whole not having
a sweetheart and/or not getting flowers thing really effects certain girls
thinking and disposition, its a socialized trip...

yesterday while leaving the fowler museum and a beautiful ucla campus,
i was on my way to the hammer museum when my mood and energy dropped.
(it was 3pm and i hadnt eaten) so i yanked out the george duke cd playing
and defaulted to the radio and k-mozart. again that soft passive classical station
voice, this time talking about samuel barber putting lyrics to adagio for strings.
i was like damn. enough of the coincidences already. i was tired and quite
frankly being in tune with the universe was getting on my nerves. he went
on to explain the work and he said that adagio for strings maybe the most
played classical song. i was like ok, that would explain all my coincidental
chance meetings with the song. if its played all the time no wonder im always
hearing it. even if its the first music i hear on the radio more times than once
when i turn it on.

then i started to think some more, i do that alot these days- i think some more-
if this song touched me so deeply and is very popular among other people, there
is a commonality somewhere. either i am in tune to whats "good" or i am in tune
to what is "popular." or there is a common consciousness about things among
humans for so many people to be "touched" by the same music. for so many to
agree that this (or anything) is the best.

another thing, those guys on k-mozart are doing a pledge drive and they are
ruthless. they hit the core of my soul everytime. now, ive twice heard them
play music that had once overwhelmed me. music one night that was part of
"the most beautiful thing i ever saw two humans do." and i heard them play this
music under very coincidental circumstances. (some people (im one) say there
are no coincidences).

shortly after they play this deeply spritual music they ask "have you ever been
touched by this music?" "has this music ever inspired you?" "do you remember
the first time you ever heard adagio for strings?" they were cold!!!! i was like
DAMMMMMMN!!!! they hit my heart so hard it was unfair!!!! i was in the car
and screamed shut-up so playfully loud at the radio that people in other cars
looked. then they go on and talk about radio station budgets and how they bring
us this art, blah blah blah.

these guys are walking a fine line between spirituality and  commercialism. they
play very deeply moving music, very very spiritual stuff. the adagio for strings vocal
version is called "lamb of god" and is a prayer in latin (beautiful to the music).
and they know this music runs deep in people. they know this music has deeply
moved thousands of people. then they hit you up for money.

im not saying its intentional. im not saying they are doing anything illegal, unethical
or even wrong. im just saying that there is a power in the music they play that
is much bigger than pledge drive donations and they are using that to their advantage.
 

february 13, 2001
i forget and leave the electric floor heater on so when i wake up
the place is warm, even the bathroom. its monday morning and
its very california cold outside. the wind is blowing a heavy rain
and its unusally loud against the window. a steady pound of heavy rain.
i get up and even the toliet seat and the national geographic was warm.

i fully open the blinds to my 4'x10' bedroom window which is cracked
2 inches. bedroom heater on, warm with whiffs of refreshing rainy air

i ordered my life, noted and tasked all outstanding personal business.
i paid bills, figured my budget and re-ultra-verified
that i dont have to work till april....

now im thinking the universe exhibit at the norton simon.
 

very good south asian installation shiva as lord of dance a 10th century piece from india
	last monday the weather was better  so i strolled venice beach for a few hours. i took pictures, studied the  local art and purchased this piece  laying on the norton simon pamphlet  for 8 dollars
stopped home, returned to car in  mellower mood.  pulled p-funk cd out to the passive voice of my  default station k-mozart. the first music played was  a song that i was overwhelmed by about month ago, adagio for strings. i had since napstered the song  but have never heard this music anywhere else. the passive voice went on to give a brief history  of the song and its composer...
	from the halls of cal arts

february 6, 2001
Congratulations!  You have reserved 1 ticket(s) to:

Romeo & Juliet

Location:           Ahmanson Theatre
Event Date & Time:  2/8/2001 @ 8:00 PM
Address:            Performing Arts Center (Music Center)
 

february 5, 2001
my mother woke me up when she came in around 8am. we talked about
how good the slot machines were to her and then she kicked me a couple hundys.
our system is beautiful; she gambles all night and as she is getting ready for
bed the next morning im showering and getting ready to leave.

beautiful sunny vegas morning and im headed to the best attraction in the city;
ceaser's palace. ive been here many times but ive never seen the statue of
david, so that was my mission. valet park and off to ceaser's forum shops...

ok, heres the point and why i sat down to write this. walking thru ceasers
i go into the galleria di sorrento, a store of fine art. i remembered the feeling i had
when i first saw this place a couple years ago. how i browsed and studied and
took pictures like i was at a museum. how i looked at the female nudes and wished
i could create like that. i was moved by the female figures and i desired to create or
draw or produce something that conveyed the deep passion i have for female...

earlier i browsed the museum company store and replicas of rodin's "the kiss."
i surrounded myself with the art of ceaser's forum shops and the beautiful
architecture of ceasers palace.

a couple hours there i head for unlv's barrick museum for the "american &
russian non-conformist art" exhibit. after that i went to the las vegas art museum
which specializes in post modernism art.

after that i hit the fremont casino buffet. not the best food, but the closest
buffet to the bed in my hotel room. eat, stagger, nap...

room felt like mommy had just left. woke up around 8, called and purchased
a ticket for cirque du soliel "mystere." (O at bellagio was sold out).
i love cirque...

(ok, here's the point) its about 12:30am and i see some cool statues
outside the monte carlo casino, and i feel like drawing and taking pictures.

its about 1am and im outside the monte carlo casino with a glass of diet coke,
a clipboard and my digital camera. the female was beautiful. huge stautes of
flowing, flying females in motion. i had a very good day with so much positive
stimulation that my worldview was close to perfect. a deep feeling of freedom.
i was confident and relaxed enough to maintain concentration on sketching as
a few small groups of drunk people (and security a few times) passed by.
all looking at the big black man sketching outside a casino in vegas at 1am...

as i looked at the first statue i thought to myself "i can draw this."
i looked at her foot and i remembered all the feet i have drawn and i knew
i could capture the essence of this piece in a drawing. i knew i had the skill
but not the time or stamina tonight (so i disregarded scale and casually sketched
for essence)

ok, the point for real. it was at this time i remembered the feeling of desire to create
and draw female that i got in the galleria di sorrento years back. as i stood looking
at this beautiful statue it hit me that it wasnt long ago that i had stood in awe of
art that i felt i could not create. i now stood confident i could capture the essence of
this piece (and maybe enhance it) while remembering the days before i started
drawing seriously. it was very good to feel how far ive come in my art and drawing.
to not only recognize my progress and accomplishment, but to actually feel it...

february 5, 2001
in the words of sinead o'connor "i am not like i was before." my life is different,
so very different that i notice and feel it. my life has always been changing,
but this last couple months being off work i have been very aggressive about
learning and experiencing. very very aggressive and its like ive taken my life to
a new standard. i say to myself "the bar has been raised."
and i wonder if there is any going back...

its like i expect a certain level of beauty in my life. i expect to see something
new and have a new experience every day. sure, i have lazy days where i dont
do nothing, but even on those days im home working on my webpage or
researching something on the internet or stimulating myself with chat.

i have surrounded myself with many many beautiful things. i experience the beauty
of the ocean, the coastline, the moutains- i am aware of all the natural beauty around me.
i experience the beauty of the stars and the planets; the planet venus so bright and
so beautiful that thousands of years ago she was tagged to represent love (the ultimate
feeling). i know that the stars have been constant for millions of years and
i can feel that...i know that my ancestors millions of years ago before consciousness
saw the same stars the same way i see them now.

i see the beauty in the architecture of the structures around me.

i see beauty in the day to day interaction of people. even when people fight, kill
or are angry i can see the beauty of the true emotion. when people are hurt and
sad, i can see and feel that as a stimulating experience also...
 

i constantly expose myself to fine art, fine music, goregous performances and
beautiful people. i am constantly being stimulated at higher and higher levels.
im getting use to a higher and higher dosage of postive and beautiful stimulation.
all this with zero negative energy or disturbances

since everything around me is beautiful, i see art in everything and i want
(and i do) photograph everything. my life is so saturated with stimulation
that i have to document what i do and where i have been cause i will forget-
forget about the stimulation and experience gained from the event.
i pour all this information into my webpage and i am always re-reading
what ive written, where ive been, how i felt and what i got from the experience.
i re-live my experiences over and over...
 

my understanding has made everything around me an object of beauty.
i see such a deep beauty in everything that living is like having sex.
i have such a passion for life that i am actually "in love" with life so sometimes
living feels like im having intercourse with life...
 

i realized that i am going farther away from a working/being employed mentality.
the amount of freedom ive become use to has changed me to the point
that sometimes i know that im not ready to be employed. im cashing in my tiny
401K and according to my budget, i may not have to work until april.

i absolutely do not feel this time is being wasted. i can actually feel myself
getting closer to my ultimate goal. i feel very very close in fact. i dont feel
that i am close to detailing the theory that will explain everything in our universe
and why we are here, but i am very very sure i am close to getting on the path
that will take me there...

everything i see or do "fits" into all my theories so far. my theories and philosophy
are solid and have been solid for years. my understanding has stood the test
of time and it makes me successful in everything that i do. and i mean everything.

i have a general overall theory of the way things work based on all the knowledge i
have of life. i have come to strong conclusions about certain things and as i learn
and experience new things they fit almost perfectly into my general theories.
its like my theory and philosophy can predict things, then life's new experiences validate
and confirm the theories i already have. the more i experience the more "right"
it feels. the deeper i go, the more confident i get...

the way im living and the direction im going feels too good to be wrong.

one thing though, these are uncharted waters and ive never been here before.
ive never felt like this or seen life like this so its like its all new. and since its all
new, im not absolutley sure how or what to do. all i have is my experience, understanding
and philosophies to help guide me. i have a deep belief in myself and my philosophy
so i put trust in my understanding to show me what to do in almost any situation...

there is so much inside me,
i could write like this non stop for days...
 
 

it simply feels too good to be wrong
 

january 30, 2001

january 29, 2001
saturday night i laid in bed before going to sleep around 2:30am and i happened
upon classic arts showcase. showing was a ballet that caught my eye. this
ballet and music was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen two human
beings do together. it was almost overwhelming....

looking back at that night i realize it was a combination of things that
came together to make the feeling so intense. i was feeling pretty good
with a sleepiness that put me in a dreamy like state. i didnt have my glasses
on so the bodies of the male and female performers were blurred,  leaving room
for my imgaination. the graceful movements and human forms were perfect
after my imagination fixed the blurry parts from my eyes. the music was strings
and absolutley beautiful. as i laid in my comfortable bed, i was relaxed, opened
and senstive enough to "allow" or "enable"  this to be the most beautiful
thing i ever saw. sure the performance was good, but i realized the other
circumstances and how much a part my openness and willingness to allow
this to be so beautiful is a part...

sunday after the superbowl, classic arts was on again and i casually
flipped back and forth. then it came on again. this time i sat up with glasses
and watched. it didnt have the same intensity and i didnt get the same
deep feelings, though it was a wonderful piece.

i know that very special feeling i had was for that moment and that time.
its not often when you can say "the most beautiful thing ive ever seen..."
it takes understanding and "work" to be able to have a feeling like that.
so many factors in a persons life contribute to the consciousnous to do this.

regardless if the piece was or was not the most beautiful, at that time
i deeply felt that it was and the emotions that come from a feeling like
that are real. to experience the emotions and feelings of seeing something
that moves you so deeply. to have that moment and that time when you
see something so beautiful that it overwhelms you...no matter how much
of that feeling is falsely manufactured. i am very greatful that i have experiences
like that...

the piece was from "kirov classics."
"adagio for strings" was composed by samuel barber (1910 - 1981) and
performed by the marinsky orchestra of st petersburg russia. soloists
yelena yevteeva and eldar aliev danced to oleg vinogradov's choreography...
 

january 29, 2001
what a way to start the week off...i forgot about an interview i had at 9:30 today.
i was thinking that today i would hear from them to schedule the interview. but i had
already scheduled and had all the necessary info. damn. this one kinda hurt too.
i wanted a shot at this position. i also feel bad cause i let my recrutier down by
missing this. i mean she is cool and went to bat for me to get the interview-
damn...this kinda stuff doesnt usually happen to me so though it kinda stings, im
"enjoying" the experience of going thru it. what it feels like to error like this and to
have "guilt" feelings for letting someone down. sure its not anywhere near the
levels of really letting someone down (like the feeling of letting your kids down
or hurting a loved one), but for me this is as close as it gets. its almost like a new
experience. i dont usually forget appointments, escpecially one as important as this.
im just not use to making errors like this...

they say there are no coincidences, so this probably happened for a reason.
and the way things usually go for me, its a reason that will benefit me in the log run.

i want to go to paris. i want to go badly. i want to see the musee rodin and the louvre.
i want to spend a fews days studying rodin's work, sculpture and drawings. about a
month ago i ended up in the big library downtown LA and it was very impressive. so
much information at my disposal. (and the building is also impressive, gorgeous
rotunda and architecture) i decided the subject and hit the rodin section. there were
so many good books that i grabbed as many as i could carry and sat down in a
very comfy leather lounge chair. i sat there for two hours and just read and studied
the man's work. i learned that the man had a passion for female that is as deep as
mine. he also had a "main" woman in his life which he eventually married and
a very very special mistress that he persued for years untill they hooked up,
broke up and she went insane the last 30 years of her life...

from studying his work that day i saw how he conveyed the essence of the
subject (female) with a very simple drawing. like an outline of the most important
curves and features. from this study i learned to simplify my drawings of nude females.
i noticed in more than one drawing he didnt do the hands right. a kinda scribble
drawing was used to show where they go but the sensuality of of the drawing
remained. i have the same difficulties with hands so i stopped drawing them and
concentrated on the most simplest lines to portray the essence of what i saw...

i realized an advantage i have over great artists past is that i have pictures.
drawing with no subject to focus on is hard. but give me a picture that
generates passion and drawing is easy. great artists past didnt have color
print photos or thousands of jpegs on a screen at their disposal. they
had to primarily use live subjects and models.

i can see how missing the interview this morning could mess up my whole
day or even week. i could have let myself been brought down by this.
i could have let it greatly effect my dispoition. this change in disposition-
mood would effect me physically and mentally. physically my body would
have been "down"  and not producing the energy and udreniline or other
chemicals that stimulate it properly. the drop physically would effect me
mentally and that would inturn effect the glands that produce "happy"
and energy bringing me down more physically.  this is what happens behind
superstition and bad luck. its how we allow certain events to influence us
mentally and physically that gives the events power over us.
this also goes for religion and rituals.

belief & faith greatly effect ones worldview and outlook on life.
a combination of mental and physical health is needed for a human
being to function at, close to or better than 100%.

the bible not only condones slavery, but it gives instuction and rules
for a proper slave-master relationship. it does this in the books of
exodus which are supposed to be written directly by god thru moses.

creed's album human clay is very very very goooooood
 

january 25, 2001